Words

I'm reading UNchristian by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons. At the end of one of the chapters, Jonalyn Fincher, author of Ruby Slippers, wrote the following:

I struggle with condemning. I have since I can remember.

When my husband and I were engaged, we planned our wedding in three months. One afternoon we were sorting out the next twenty tasks to complete. He hadn't called the bakery about the cake, and he still hadn't finished his guest list. With annoyance dripping out of every pore, I cut into him with all the shame and blame I could conjure up. How dare he drop the ball and ruin my afternoon. Now I would have to pick up after his incompetence.

After my verbal assault, he sat quietly with disbelief and pain in his eyes. I expected he would scold me for my tirade, but he didn't. All he said was, "Jonalyn, is this how you talk to yourself?" I was silent, stunned.

Then slowly, I nodded and began to weep long and hard, realizing that this wasn't the good life, it wasn't the abundant life Jesus offered. But it was the only way I knew to be a model Christian woman planning a model wedding.

It was the first time someone took time to notice the person behind my judgmental words, He saw the state of my soul. He swallowed his own pain long enough to see that there was something self-destructive eating me. To get anything done right, to be holy, to stay pure, to walk the straight and narrow, I condemned myself into obedience. These were my inner demons:

"If you don't finish that, who do you think will?"
"That wouldn't have happened if you had only worked harder"
"That's what you et when you don't do it right the first time"
"You deserve what you get"

I was an expert in self-flagellation.

I think many of the judgmental people we know are trembling, guilty, sick. I was, I couldn't extend grace because my own reserve was so low. What did I know of grace? Sure it was my middle name, but I didn't really need it. It was for those other people who slip up all the time. Dale taught me that we cannot give out of something we've never receive.

Christ didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. ...God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him.
Romans 5:6-8 The Message

Dale was the first person who say my mess and refused to demand an instant cleanup party. He saw where I was. And he still married me, not to rescue me, but to join me in tie journey into abundant life.

I can't put into words how convicted I felt after reading this; switch the naming around and this is my life.

I have always been articulate. When I was young, my dad would often say, you should be a lawyer when you grow up, because I was a very articulate and argumentative child. Unlike most people, I often know exactly what to say and when to say it. I am good at talking to people and good at voicing exactly what it is I think and feel.

On the flip side, I also know exactly what to say to ruin your day. One well crafted sentence from my lips can leave someone feeling condemned and hopeless. Even an offhanded comment from me can leave someone wounded.

When I was young, it was fun to see those who hurt me cringe and run away from mere words. As I got older I continued to test the power of this device we call language.

I don't think I really realized what my words could do until college. After my life fell apart when I was 20, I felt it was my agenda to get back from life what it had taken from me; my innocence, my trusting nature, my friends, my life. I began to use words to tear people down. In talking to you I'd find your weaknesses and I would use them against you, should I find the need. It amazes me to this day the willingness of my friends to put up with me.

I went to school in Salt Lake City so most of the people there knew a little bit of what I had gone through. Unfortunately for me, this also meant that they gave me a pass for behaving in a most UNchristian manner. They generally knew where I was coming from, so they also knew what my words really meant. The fact that I was a stone cold bitch who played boys for all they were worth was just a side thing; "Oh, that's just Grace..."

In the last years, I've been called out on the way I choose to speak. The first time was in a bible study at my church in Salt Lake. The pastor asked if we primarily use our words to build people up or tear people down. The last time was when a friend and I had gotten into an argument about something stupid. The funniest thing about this argument was that it revealed the conditions of our hearts. While my sole intent was to use my words as a weapon, his sole intent was to love.

This boy that God has (for some reason I cannot comprehend) brought into my life has continued to throw curve balls at me and addressing issues most are too scared to confront me with. I think that that's why I enjoy his company so much. Because as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.